After the last month of being discouraged, depressed and unimaginably exhausted, I am finally seeing the light. I’ve been thinking a lot about how I got from there to here since I feel like night has turned into day. It’s been a combination of many things but most importantly, I admitted to myself that I wasn’t sure if I really did want to live to beat these cancers. Although I was afraid to acknowledge this, I had a sense that the only way to change it was to explore my real feelings and ask my inner wisdom for answers. My posts over the last few weeks reflect this. They gave me answers, changed my perspectives and helped me work it through so that I now know without doubt that yes, I really do want to live and I even have a sense that I will make it through this.
Going within for answers to life’s questions, is one of our greatest gifts. I believe that we are spiritual beings who all have access to this information. It just takes practice; asking the questions we need answers to and then being aware of the words that come into our heads – one by one. I write them down, even if they don’t seem to make sense and after I’ve finished, they always do. I’m amazed each and every time because unlike my own thoughts, these are always comforting, wise beyond my consciousness, loving without any question and for my highest good. I’ve been questioning and getting just the right answers for several years now and I’ve learned to trust it. I can tell you that this has saved me from despair more times than I could ever count.
How does this work? My thoughts are that by being aware of our spiritual essence, we understand that we are made of loving energy and love is the basis of everything. Going within connects us to the love of ourselves, each other and God – Spirit – The Universe of whatever you want to call our higher power. It has connected me with so much more love than ever before, to my family, friends and all the new people who have come into my life. Plus, the love that I feel coming back to me is astounding with prayers, support and wishes of the highest kind. I have been blessed and I realize now that had I not done this and then shared my thoughts and emotions with loving intentions, this never would have happened. I am so grateful.
In the midst of the depression, I did other things too that helped. I read two wonderful books that gave me peace about life and death and I highly recommend them: “The Medium Next Door”, by Maureen Hancock and “Survival of the Soul” by Lisa Williams. After reading them, I was no longer afraid of either living or dying.
My doctors, nurse practitioners and nurses at MGH have been wonderful in addressing my issues. They’ve increased my antidepressant and this week started me on Ritalin, which is used as a stimulant for cancer fatigue. The fatigue was really getting to me and I couldn’t even do the basic things like watering plants, entering expenses into my check book or enjoy anything. I was so listless and could care less. Well, I have to say that I think Ritalin is my new best friend. Not that I’m buzzing around, but I had enough energy to do those things and more. It gave me glimpses of my old self and life and my days now feel so much better.
I’ve been visualizing the will to live as a flame inside of me and I picture it glowing brighter and brighter. The words, “Love is the fuel that ignites the flame of life” came into me head and I say them often.
I’m also practicing taking abdominal breaths – in through my belly, up into my chest and as I exhale, I envision all the unhealthy cells in my body being flushed down and out through my feet. I breathe in health and breathe out illness. I always do this when I have my radiation treatments.
My radiation team introduced me to an absolutely beautiful CD that they play for me during my treatments. Its energy felt so good that I bought it to listen at home. It’s called “Spirit: Art of Healing” and I’m listening to it now as I write. I feel wrapped up in the healing sounds of the music and recommend it highly.
So that, in more than a nutshell, is how I got from there to here. I did a 180 degree turn and I’m finally willing, once again, to take each day as it comes. I feel more positive than ever before that I will get through this and I’m being easy on myself to just go with the flow and ride it through. I know that the ups and downs are all part of the journey and think of the words my mother would often say, “It will get better because everything changes”. ©