Benadryl, Ativan, Flonase and Cough Syrup got me to sleep last night. Thoughts of carrot juice, wheatgrass, my crying daughter, phone calls to make, my pathology report – metastatic adenocarcinoma – woke me up.
The air outside is blessedly dry, the sun is out, birds are chirping happy, a breeze stirs and I’m getting back to where I want to be – off the merry go round; centered, serene, able to breath in my presence, taking is slow, one thing at a time. Church bells are chiming now, reminding me that it’s a day of rest – a time to just be. Flowers to dead head, weeds to pull and a lawn to mow are unwelcome chores today. I’m banishing chores from my mental vocabulary. If the process doesn’t bring joy, I’m not going there. If I ask myself in each moment what I truly want and really listen to the answer – I’ll be where I want, in my body, mind and spirit – doing what I want in the moment.
And what do I want my moments to contain in my ‘freedom from cancer’ fight? I want them to be moments to be free to write, think, walk, meditate, read, sleep, eat, laugh, dance and enjoy people – all in the midst of a clean orderly house and a well gardened yard.
With limited funds to hire a gardener, can I ask friends to do my gardening for the price of a cookout? Dare I ask? The thought of putting anyone into a position of obligation doesn’t feel right. Maybe if I put the thought out there, it will go where it’s intended and be answered. That is it – I’ll breathe life into the thought and let it grow as it will. I can manage a house cleaner if I can find one. I have a name and number to call later. Those chores off my shoulders will make it so much easier to take care of just me because I need me.
I need me to believe that I am “healthy, holy, whole and healed”, if I am to be, as Kitara so wonderfully advised. I need to find joy in simplicity, I need to connect to myself and others, I need to rest and eat well, I need to know what’s best for me, I need to ask for what I need and I need to keep “fighting and writing” as Sue encouraged. I need to do a lot, but not too much. And I need to give thanks for my wonderful friends, family and all the new people who are coming into my life. I need to hold on tight to what matters and let go of what doesn’t. I need to be free to discover the gifts of this journey that will make me the absolute best that I can be. And most important of all, I need to love – really love me. Am I up for all of this? I am – without a shred of doubt. All I need is me.