7/11/10
Benadryl, Ativan, Flonase and Cough Syrup got me to sleep last night. Thoughts of carrot juice, wheatgrass, my crying daughter, phone calls to make, my pathology report – metastatic adenocarcinoma – woke me up.
The air outside is blessedly dry, the sun is out, birds are chirping happy, a breeze stirs and I’m getting back to where I want to be – off the merry go round; centered, serene, able to breath in my presence, taking is slow, one thing at a time. Church bells are chiming now, reminding me that it’s a day of rest – a time to just be. Flowers to dead head, weeds to pull and a lawn to mow are unwelcome chores today. I’m banishing chores from my mental vocabulary. If the process doesn’t bring joy, I’m not going there. If I ask myself in each moment what I truly want and really listen to the answer – I’ll be where I want, in my body, mind and spirit – doing what I want in the moment.
And what do I want my moments to contain in my ‘freedom from cancer’ fight? I want them to be moments to be free to write, think, walk, meditate, read, sleep, eat, laugh, dance and enjoy people – all in the midst of a clean orderly house and a well gardened yard.
With limited funds to hire a gardener, can I ask friends to do my gardening for the price of a cookout? Dare I ask? The thought of putting anyone into a position of obligation doesn’t feel right. Maybe if I put the thought out there, it will go where it’s intended and be answered. That is it – I’ll breathe life into the thought and let it grow as it will. I can manage a house cleaner if I can find one. I have a name and number to call later. Those chores off my shoulders will make it so much easier to take care of just me because I need me.
I need me to believe that I am “healthy, holy, whole and healed”, if I am to be, as Kitara so wonderfully advised. I need to find joy in simplicity, I need to connect to myself and others, I need to rest and eat well, I need to know what’s best for me, I need to ask for what I need and I need to keep “fighting and writing” as Sue encouraged. I need to do a lot, but not too much. And I need to give thanks for my wonderful friends, family and all the new people who are coming into my life. I need to hold on tight to what matters and let go of what doesn’t. I need to be free to discover the gifts of this journey that will make me the absolute best that I can be. And most important of all, I need to love – really love me. Am I up for all of this? I am – without a shred of doubt. All I need is me.
Joyce,
If part of what you need is help to keep your house maintained and in exchange you will throw a party, I cannot imagine that friends and family wouldn’t step up if you asked. For me…if my geographically close friends were facing what you are facing, I would be thrilled to be given a “chore” to complete. It allows for those who can help in no other way to be a blessing to you. I am amazed at your poise in prioritizing!
My little sister will be here tomorrow – maybe she would like to come over and do some gardening with me this week : )
Another affirmation I love is, “I am guarded, guided, and provided for”. My friend Erika taught me that one and it has helped to calm me many a time.
I know your phone is ringing off the hook, so I will just leave a message if you can’t answer, or are feeling overwhelmed…
I wish I could come over and do your gardening! I think you should ask your friends. They love you and want some way to show it and to assist you. Let them do everything you possibly can so that you can rest and concentrate on your health. You can do it!
wish i was a little closer,you have many loved ones to give you a hand.and i am sure they will be banging at the door soon.stay positive this will fly by very quickly. my aunt is away will get the name of the healing priest sha knows.a hug and a kiss from me to you.
Hi Meagan,
You’re so nice to encourage me to ask for help. It’s not easy but I’m learning. People have been amazing and I’m blown away with kindness already.
I love your blog – just starting to look through. I got a kick out of hearing your kids referred to as “sprouts”. It’s such a great visual with all kinds of good feelings attached. I also loved what you said about monogamy and I agree.
Love, Joyce
Hi V,
I’m sorry I haven’t called – been swamped but will catch up. Have fun with your sis. Let’s talk tomorrow and maybe you 2 can come over to visit. You are so sweet to offer some gardening help. I hate asking – it’s like swallowing nails but maybe we can all do a little together. Love, Joyce
Sherry, I wish you could come over to just hang out!!! I want to talk to you…..
Charles, when are you coming to Sandwich? I wish you were closer too. We’ll talk soon. Love you, Joyce
Joyce,
I love your sharing, your perspective – all of YOU! I will be there to clean and weed as you have needs over the coming weeks. See you soon. -Kim
Kim, I love you too – thank you for your wonderful friendship.